Category Archives: Football

The Jeremy Kyle Show: Footballer Special

Even the most optimistic football fan knows that the this image is the closest they’re ever going to get to John Terry facing notorious chav haranguer Jeremy ‘put something on the end of it’ Kyle.

Or is it? Italian TV show ‘C’è posta per te‘ (You’ve Got Mail) has been using footballers in a their problem solving public forum for years now, and while the likes of Daniele De Rossi, Francesco Totti and last week, Cristiano Ronaldo, have so far been restricted to helping others during their appearances, surely we’re only a format tweak or two away from players facing up to their ineptitude on national television.

Watch the clip of Cristiano in action, then tell us that Mario Balotelli shamefacedly explaining last year’s firework bonanza while being told to ‘grow a pair’ by a middle class tit in a crap suit is too much of a stretch.

Over to you, ITV2.

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Pantofola d’Oro Preview: Multipurpose Boot Breakthrough

Image via facebook.

This, ladies and gents, is a preview of the new Pantofola d’Oro boot, as seen on Soccerbible.

Presumably they have post-match relaxation in mind. Bowling, anyone?

 

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The Weekend In Football: Cattle Prods & Coconut Oil

Mou prefers a 21st Century twist to the old ‘carrot & stick’ motivation technique… Photoshopping by SideEye.

Is it possible that Jose Mourinho has engineered Real Madrid’s eight point deficit to Barcelona, just so he can overhaul it and get one over on Pep Guardiola?

At this stage, we’re not putting anything past him. Including the repeated use of bovine torture devices.

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Champions League: A Little Something For Everyone

JT fiddles while Roman burns. Image: Michael Steele/Getty Images Europe.

Chances are, if your team’s hopes of qualification took a knock, one of your club’s fiercest rivals probably shipped points too.

It was that kind of Champions League week.

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Leonardo Bonucci: Crime Stopper

Image: Claudio Villa/Getty Images Europe.

Curious to know how Juve hardman Leonardo Bonucci single handedly fought off an armed robber last week?

We have the photos. Follow the jump and you’ll see.

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Brendan Batson: On The Frontline Again

Ron Atkinson referred to Laurie Cunningham, Cyrille Regis and Brendan Batson as “The Three Degrees”. He was just warming up too. Image via tumblr.

Brendan Batson has reiterated the importance of “fighting racism with a united front” in his plea to black footballers not to form a breakaway union. The former Arsenal and West Brom defender was speaking after several players, including Rio Ferdinand and Jason Roberts, refused to wear anti-racism t-shirts during warm-ups at the weekend, apparently as a protest against a perceived lack of consistency from the FA in a number of high profile incidents.

Batson has previously spoken of the abuse he suffered as the first black player to be selected for the Arsenal first team, and says that while he understands the players’ frustration, he believes they would be stronger in the current system than fighting alone. He said:

The battle accelerated in ’93 with Kick it Out, while current players may not think it has been accelerated enough in the last few years and because of the incidents over the past 12 months.

I think they should use the PFA and the other partners to help that change to support anti-racism campaigns to help that change.

Whether FIFA, UEFA and the FA will bother to join him on the frontline remains to be seen.

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Mesut Özil: Boot Ban Buffoonery

adidas. Image via botasdejugadores.

A few months ago, Real Madrid and Germany midfielder Mesult Ozil committed an act of flagrant adultery. In public. On a football pitch. He’s just been called out on it.

What do you mean, you didn’t know?

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Bafetimbi Gomis: Hold It! There’s A Perfectly Plausible Explanation For All This

Image via foot01.com.

Don’t panic, peeps. You are not witnessing another alleged incident of ‘aggravated pimping‘ involving members of the French national team. It’s just Bafetimbi Gomis celebrating his winner for Lyon vs. Brest.

Or so he claims, anyway.

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The Weekend In Football: Anarchy In The UK & Beyond

Are you offended by this gesture? Please email your complaint to thefa@youarenotdoingagoodjobfightingracismandeveryonebutSirAlexcanseeit.co.uk  Image: Michael Regan/Getty Images Europe.

Only in football can the refusal to wear a t-shirt cause more of a furore than a fan running onto the pitch during a televised game and heroically smacking the unsuspecting opposition ‘keeper in the face.

Here’s our round-up of the European leagues, with a generous side of scorn and a hot, lemon scented towel.

You’ll need that.

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Neymar: Safety First

Dear Neymar,

Congrats on your 200th appearance for Santos. Might we be so bold as to offer a word of advice or two regarding your next 200?

  • We’re all waiting with bated breath for you to sign a contract with a European club, which will almost certainly (if reports are to be believed) be with Real Madrid or Barcelona. In the unlikely event that you do sign for an English club though, never, ever attempt to rainbow flick a defender as you did last night against Atlético Mineiro. The consequences of doing so in front of the likes of Vincent Kompany & Tony Hibbert cannot be explained fully in a family weblog, but you could try YouTubing ‘skinny, fleet of foot youth runs headlong into mincer’ if you would like a rough idea. Suffice to say, it won’t be pretty.
  • Don’t wear black panties under white shorts (0:43). We’d have thought that would have been obvious to a man with your sartorial record.

Love,

SideEye

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