Premier League Primer: On Me Head, Son


Image: ADRIAN DENNIS/AFP/Getty Images.

Before service commences, pray a moment’s silence for the death of Liverpool’s incompetence in the transfer market.


Image: PAUL ELLIS/AFP/Getty Images.

It’s passing marks the end of an era for neutrals and rival fans alike. We will always have those moments of joy – Andy Carroll’s breathless arrival from Newcastle, the weight of his £35m price tag buckling his knees weekly in the penalty area, the undercover deployment to EPL hinterland West Ham without a replacement lined up – but opportunities for  comedy at the club’s expense appear to have expired with the arrival of Daniel Sturridge, who started upfront alongside Luis Suarez on Saturday and led the line during a 5-0 drubbing of Norwich City.

If he can only convince Luis that peeing in his own penalty area is a bad thing, the comedic potential of a great club could once more be reduced to Jamie Carragher’s own goal record once again. How very dull.


Image: GLYN KIRK/AFP/Getty Images.

Don’t believe that football is a superstitious place? Tell that to Fernando Torres, who is beginning to realise that he will never, ever, restore the karmic balance he upset when he left Liverpool to represent hated rivals Chelsea. Despite a couple of hopeful flurries and many a lung busting run in the general direction of the box, Nandina looks as disconsolate as ever in a blue shirt and his efforts betray a weary unhappiness only exacerbated by the arrival of free-scoring Demba Ba from Newcastle United.

The main talking point after his performance in Chelsea’s snowy 2-1 win over Arsenal yesterday was his new haircut. Admittedly it was significantly less interesting than his last venture into hair care, but you can’t blame him for not wanting to be visible from space at this point in his career.



Speaking of alarming headwear, the temperature at White Hart Lane hovered around freezing for the duration of Spurs vs. Manchester United yesterday, and it’s believed this is the only reason Sir Alex Ferguson didn’t burst into flames on the touchline when Clint Dempsey scored the equaliser for the home team in what is now officially designated “Fergie Time”.

The perpetually pissed off pensioner also had a number of complaints about referee and serial offender Simon Beck but he did manage a compliment for his opposite number – a collector’s item offered rarely and more often than not, ruefully. He said of Andre Villas Boas’ team, “You have to recognise that [they] were very, very committed and aggressive, got stuck into us. They are hard to beat on their own ground. Teams will drop points here, if they play like that.”

Spurs fans still unhappy with the Portuguese after his troubled start in English football should take note. He might have a Mario Balotelli level of competence when it comes to managing a hat, but that’s the Fergie equivalent of a big wet kiss.

Oops. Sorry if you were eating.

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