Sensuous Soccer: What The Premier League Needs Now

Marouane Fellaini captures the mood of the EPL. And Santi Cazorla’s nose. Image: Stuart MacFarlane/Arsenal FC via Getty Images.

What a miserable few days it’s been in the English Premier League.

If managers being sacked isn’t upsetting the fans, it’s managers being appointed. Refs have grounds to sue clubs, ‘supporters’ are getting banned for racist slurs and Darren Bent’s been left on the bench.


Whether you attribute it to our awe-inspiring grasp of comedy or the hallucinogenic effects that too much caffeine and Haribo StarMix can have on people, we think we’ve come up with a solution to all this misery. Love.

Look at these delightful photos of players in various states of ecstatic embrace and tell us you don’t believe that similar scenes between Sam Allardyce & Andy Carroll, Marouane Fellaini & Santi Cazorla or even Emmanuel Adebayor and anyone from the Arsenal supporters club wouldn’t bring a little smile to your otherwise fracas fatigued face.

No? Ok. You might want to reconsider another site from which you can obtain your football information. There’s going to be a fair bit of this kind of thing around here.

Image: Alexander Hassenstein/Bongarts/Getty Images.

Good leadership and the setting of boundaries are vital in the cultivation of a happy team. Here, Kevin Vogt (l) of Augsburg gently advises team-mate Matthias Ostrzolek that his combover is entirely unacceptable.

Added Bonus: Any hurt feelings will be offset by the hand holding, while the recipient will be unable to throw a strop and run out of the stadium.

Recommended For: Joe Hart & Mario Balotelli.

Image: Dennis Grombkowski/Bongarts/Getty Images.

Don’t scream and shout at your team-mate when you note he’s frequently drifting out of position. Simply pick him up and deliver him to his designated spot.

Added Bonus: Works with zonal OR man marking systems.

Recommended For: Gary Cahill & David Luiz.

Image: Michael Kienzler/Bongarts/Getty Images.

If we were to receive a hug from an unshaven man dressed in a blue cagoule and jeans while we were standing semi-naked on our local recreation ground, we’d probably run the local police station. Without bothering to put the damn shirt back on.

But hey. A good old hug might be just what Freiberg youngster Jonathan Schmid needs from his manager to bolster his confidence and know for sure he’s appreciated.

Added Bonus: Implied reassertion of one’s masculinity. Only real men hug.

Recommended For: Andy Carroll & Sam Allardyce. Or Cristiano Ronaldo & Sam Allardyce. Before they win the double together.

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